How being a 'gray rock' protects you from narcissists
6 Min Read
Many people encounter narcissists, befriend them or love them, but not many know how to protect themselves from them.
-
Participants in the Women's March rally at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, Saturday, Jan. 20, 2018. (AP)
A recent report on CNN tackled narcissism and how to deal with narcissists. The report suggests that using the 'gray rock' strategy is an effective way to do so, but before we start - what is narcissism?
A quick way to identify a narcissist is if you spot unending drama, games, or conflicts in an individual.
What is a narcissist?
Narcissism, like neuroticism or agreeability, is a personality feature, thus everyone is somewhere on the narcissistic spectrum, even if they are very low.
“Narcissism in general means having an inflated view of oneself, kind of a lack of closer, emotionally warm relationships with other people, and also needing to be validated, or at least wanting to be admired or be loved,” Dr. W. Keith Campbell, professor of psychology at the University of Georgia said.
When someone is labeled a narcissist, it usually indicates that the trait is more apparent in their personality than it is in the majority of people.
Read next: Mental health issues among top concerns in US adults
To be classified as a narcissist, a person must be found by a therapist to be in the top 10% of the population in terms of narcissism levels. This suggests that one out of every ten people could be categorized in this manner, according to the report.
What is more uncommon is narcissistic personality disorder, a disease in which the repercussions of narcissism go far beyond making a person unpleasant to be around, according to Campbell. “Clinically, if it destroys your marriage, it ruins your business relationships, your overconfidence at work has you kind of falling apart … then it becomes a disorder,” he added.
Three types of narcissists
Narcissists are divided into three categories: overt, covert, and community, Malkin said.
What is an overt narcissist?
An overt narcissist is a person who is overtly arrogant and whose concept of self-centers upon feeling better than others.
What is a covert narcissist?
Covert narcissists act in a unique way. What they believe distinguishes them is the extent to which they suffer. According to Malkin, this frequently manifests as drawing you in to listen to their difficulties while entirely ignoring your concerns.
What is a community narcissist?
This is the narcissist in the community who feels exceptional because he is the most helpful. "This is the person who whispers to you at a party about all the exceptional things they are doing for the neighborhood," he explained. "They want you to understand that you've never met anyone who is more caring or committed to causes than they are."
On a more important note, how can you protect yourself from narcissists?
The 'gray rocking' strategy
Gray rocking is a strategy for dealing with narcissists — people who rely on feeling important or unique — that entails responding to them in bland, monotonous ways until they lose interest, according to Dr. W. Keith Campbell, a psychology professor at the University of Georgia.
“There is no real research on this, but I’ve talked to a lot of women in these relationships, and I’ve heard from people I really trust that this is something effective,” Campbell said. “And it makes theoretical sense.”
Narcissism is complicated, but this strategy is easy, according to Dr. Craig Malkin, a certified psychologist, and instructor in psychology at Harvard Medical School in Cambridge, Massachusetts.
How can narcissism hurt you?
The report suggests that it is hard to say what exactly makes someone a narcissist, but generally, narcissistic people tend to have a weak sense of self and use their ego to prop them up and supply them with attention and admiration, said Deborah Ashway, a licensed clinical mental health counselor based in New Bern, North Carolina.
Getting that attention is so important — and feeling vulnerable so scary — that narcissists will often do whatever it takes to get it, Malkin said. That could mean using behaviors from the different categories of narcissism, he added.
Sometimes, to get that feeling of importance, narcissists will use anger, threats, put-downs, or playing the victim against people to whom they are connected, Ashway said.
Read next: No Health Without Mental Health
“Sometimes, very subtly, over time, they become almost like deprogrammed from their (sense of) self,” she said.
While ideally, one would disconnect from narcissists in their lives, sometimes it isn’t so easy. People can go for years without detecting narcissism in someone, and when they recognize it, they may already share children, work together, or have other close ties that make seeing each other unavoidable, she said.
In conflict, or even just in conversation, it is important to protect your sense of self and independence from narcissists, Ashway said.
What is ‘gray rocking?’
Narcissists may look to get your praise, sympathy, or outrage with charged comments. Instead of defending, explaining, or asking for elaboration, you keep your responses as concise and bland as possible, Malkin said.
“OK,” “You’re entitled to your opinion,” and “Sure,” are all responses that address the person without inviting more or allowing yourself to be pulled in further, he added.
“They’re going to let go because what power do they have? They’re not charming, they can’t manipulate you, they can’t make you unstable,” Campbell said. “You’re just kind of doing your thing.”
Some narcissists may dismiss this as simply not being good enough to engage with them and go on. Others may be irritated at first because you are not giving them the attention they desire, according to Malkin.
